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This morning, Twitter Silence day + 4, I read an article by Suzanne Moore. 10 Rules For Managing Your Penis, was the title. The content was hilarious, but not in the way I’d imagine Suzanne Moore would have hoped. It read like a hastily scribbled attempt at retaliation for what the writer believes to be a male conspiracy to constantly demean and threaten women on the internet. Suzanne Moore may have mistaken All Men for Catholicism.
It is important to note before continuing that, as far as I know, Suzanne Moore doesn’t have a penis.
Regardless, this terribly written tripe about washing your dick and not putting it in electrical appliances wouldn’t even have been funny if a man wrote it. It is atrocious on every level. Maybe I have no sense of humour, I don’t know. I thought I did. Turns out I may be wrong, indeed I was told this morning by an actual journalist and feminist that “it was lol though”. A serious journalist said that.
It would be completely insane to start implying that those with tens of thousands of followers and the Blue Ticks to go with them are in some way different to those of us on Twitter with a few hundred followers and no Blue Tick. To suggest that those people are in any way different to the lower Social Network Classes would be a declaration of insanity. But that’s what they did, and continue to do so this week. If you had an issue with any of the hypocrisy of Caitlin Moran and the ganging up of other prominent male and female figures on Twitter Graham Linehan was kind enough to let you know that you’re THE. WORST. PERSON. EVER. Thank the gods for him and his self-righteousness.
The trouble is, those with Blue Ticks are right, we are different. To start with some of us have no army of arse licking trumpets to back us up when we get threatened. We have only our own ability to demean an imbecile or, worst case scenario, block the fool. But that isn’t enough for someone with 10s of thousands of followers, they must have twitter changed. They must have it changed and will deny us the glory of their words for one whole day if Twitter does not react accordingly.
So the article excreted into reality today by Suzanne Moore doesn’t have the jovial tone I imagine she hoped it would. It isn’t funny and it isn’t well written. So what is it? It is well timed. This is important for a couple of reasons; firstly it is taking traffic to The Guardian, a publication that is losing money hand over malnourished fist, apparently. Secondly this article came at a time of strained relations between men and women on Twitter. I don’t understand it all, I was brought up to believe that words can’t hurt you, but in the event they sting a little simply punch someone. But then I was brought up where I was brought up and that kind of thing came up a lot. Plus any time I actually acted on it, I ended up receiving savage beatings. But I felt I made my point. Whatever that may have been.
The point of this, however, is much clearer to me. The reaction to this article isn’t simply because a creature with no penis tried to tell creatures with a penis how to live their lives with said penis. Again, I imagine she thought it was funny. I imagine she is still tickled pink about the not being gay bit. But considering how arsey the elite are about Bloggers she made no effort to make this worthy of “proper journalism”. Had I read that on Blogger I am sure it wouldn’t have bothered me as much, and I would probably have ditched out long before I reached the end when she actually seemed to believe that a man’s brain is more powerful than his dick when the dick is awake and looking for something to do. I am not saying all men would let their dick lead them astray in regards to their relationship, but leave a man alone in the house for the afternoon and he is going to head for the online porn, and it isn’t his head telling him to do that.
Most of my favourite memories were moments I let (sic) my penis do the thinking, because it has clarity of vision and my brain doesn’t. Not in those situations any way. That is the biggest issue with this tripe, as stated at the beginning and throughout, the concept of Suzanne Moore’s article is fundamentally flawed because she has no idea what it’s like to have this mad swine hanging between her legs, dictating policy at any given opportunity. It would be like if I wrote a blog about how being booted in the balls is as sore as child birth, not only because that argument is solely for the truly dumb to spout, but also because I have no basis for comparison so I wouldn’t have the audacity to do so. But then nothing should surprise me this week.